I’ll write a poem about you for ten bucks. Send me $10, some information about you and your snail mail address. I will snail mail you two versions of the poem titled with your name – one printed, and one handwritten. The poem about you will never appear on the website. Standard insults, sarcasm and/or sappiness are included as I feel them.

I will also write a dirty poem about your mom. If you mail me $10, and tell me her name and some information about her, I’ll compose a very special ode to her. If you don’t want a raunchy poem about your mom, you better write it yourself or ask me to write a regular poem about her without telling me she is your mom. You take all the responsibility for those who become truly offended.

Either put your snail mail address and inspirational details in the notes section of your order or immediately email them to me at beth@bethmattson.com. Allow two-three weeks for delivery in the US, and accordingly longer anywhere else.

You know what I think is boring? PayPal. You know what I would rather get? A real envelope from you with a check for ten bucks in it. So maybe your account is empty and I write you a whole poem about yourself and mail it to you before I try cashing the check - so I lost ten bucks on a poem. I usually write them for free. Plus, I can’t figure out how to validate my account with PayPal.

You know what else is boring? Not giving out our addresses because we are boring. That is dumb. I mean really. If you toilet paper my front gate, I might just like you BETTER. Or what, you’ll break in and steal my dirty socks, my crappy bike and the poem that I wrote for you anyway? My old lady neighbor will hit you with a broom? The homeless guy out front with swear and throw aluminum cans at you for making him stand up off of my stairs? You’ll get double cursed at in Cantonese? My dog and Crabfu Swashbot will eat you and then I’d get sued for their attack?

Just send me a check. Or awesome stationary notes. And stickers.

Beth Mattson

3330 19th St

San Francisco, CA 94110